The Shades of The Midnight Muse

This is my story.

crimson_midnight

I'm scheduled to have my check-up with the OB today, 8am to be exact. I haven't slept. I know I should probably get a nap, but I'm not drowsy. I've already read a couple of chapters of a book and watched an entire movie and still I'm not sleepy.

I hear my brother's alarm clock from the other room and I can't help but envy him. He puts it on snooze because he doesn't want to wake up yet. I, on the other hand, have set mine but oddly find myself looking at the clock's hands moving nearer and nearer 8am.

When Ayee was here, he'd tease me all the time because I couldn't get enough sleep. A few minutes inside a moving cab and I'd be out like a light. Since he left, I could barely get a decent 8 hour sleep in one day. I keep tossing and turning and none of the other techniques I used in the past works.

Maybe I should start reading a different book. Something like..."Finance 101" or something astoundingly boring so I can finally get some much-deserved rest.

............12 hours and 57 minutes later (1:57pm)............

I finished my doctor's appointment and went through Manila traffic.

I'm still awake, only I'm not in my bedroom. I'm in the office and I can't, for the life of me, decide if what I'm going to do is take a nap or eat my lunch (which I haven't ordered yet because I don't know what I want to eat yet). I've been trying to decide for the past 30 minutes. I wonder if other people consider being indecisive as a diuretic. They ought to try. I know the hunger pangs will go away soon if I just stick to my being so finicky.

Someone help!

crimson_midnight

It's been such a long time since I last updated my blog. It's been almost 5 months and a lot has happened since then.

I was reading through a couple of my last entries, admittedly, I don't even remember writing them. I'm glad I did. I'm going through so much in my life that it's hard to even list down all of them or to even try to organize my thoughts. Well...let's give it the good old college try, shall we?

1. I now know what unconditional love means. I live and experience it everyday.
2. I'm thoroughly in love with a wonderful and great man...yes...I talked about him during the Feb 3 entry. He's my exception I'm his...how do I know? I see it...everyday, with everything that he's done for me, everything that we've gone through together. Everything else that we will take on beside one another.
3. I'm 7 months pregnant with a beautiful baby boy.
4. My project at work has been so successful, I'm so proud of it. I think they're prepping me for another challenge. I just hope I can do it.

I have so much more in mind...

I'll write more often, now that I have so much restless energy on my hands.

crimson_midnight

Yes. I have a 3 month itch when it comes to relationships. Its this period wherein my brain kicks in despite the obvious presence of pheromones and all that oxytocin that a new love brings with them.

Usually, men are just conveniences for me. If they happen to fit my schedule and direction in life, then that is what I consider convenient...thus it's all good. If it's not and I'm whacked out in love, then I'm in trouble - for a couple of months at least, then I chuck them over to the side and move on. Otherwise, if I'm not in love, I simply proceed with the chucking and moving on part.

It's harsh I know, and maybe it's also part of the reason why I'm having trouble maintaining a real relationship. I'm in one right now. We're almost 2 months together and there are days that I love it and there are days that I'm beginning to dislike. I don't think I ever realized what compromise was until I got into this relationship.

crimson_midnight

Oftentimes when I get into situations like this, I ask myself at least a dozen of times - "What the hell am I doing?!". Then inevitably, like in a bad nightmare, I watch myself doing exactly what I promised myself not to do, in triple slow motion. I know that with each step, each moment, I'm supposed to get wiser and know better. Why do I do it? Because...there is always that question of "what if?" that keeps screaming my mind.

What if this is true? - Even if every single neuron in my brain is telling me that chances are, what's too good to be true, most often isn't.

What if he's telling me the truth? - Even if I know that all men have the same basic nature. It's near impossible to find one that will find the truth about their emotions in such a short time, and even more impossible to find is one who will readily admit it at the exact same instance. 3 weeks. Is it really enough to bind two people together? Do I dare even test it?

What if he is indeed a rogue that changed? - But what if he hasn't changed and all these are just mere pre-written screenplays, out of which I am playing a part I was cast into without my knowledge. Like a blind actor in the stage playing a blind actor.

Out of all these dazzling questions that ransack my brain...a few truths cannot be denied.

I enjoy his mind, or what I have gotten to know so far. Audaciously, I wish I could get to know more. I enjoy his touch, he is generous as he is intelligent. More importantly, he makes me feel like I am protected. I know I've said that to a lot of my past loves...and I don't know if he will be any different. I don't know if I love him. Maybe I want to. Isn't that where all the difference lie?

They say Love is a verb, an action that induces love, the emotion - what we commonly know of as love, the feeling. Who was it that said "love deeply, love unselfishly, love without regret, love without expectations and love like there is nothing else left in the world..."? I wonder if aside from being an anonymous writer, was he also a famous fool. Or perhaps, maybe he was just a person who knew the truth in life.

Nevertheless, at the end of the journey, I know I will look back on this episode of myself and ask myself that same question if I didn't push through with it. I know that whatever happens, I will wonder...

What if?

crimson_midnight

I thought of renaming it to a to-do list instead of a resolution. I think it will be more effective that way, rather than as a "hint of a promise" as what a resolution often connotes.

Here goes.

1. - Get my diver's license when I go to the beach this May 2009.
2. - Go on a trip with my family this March.
3. - Open a new time-deposit account by the middle of the year.
4. - Learn how to surf.
5. - Make an investment by the end of the year.
6. - Buy that nice DSLR I've been salivating about. Target date - March.
7. - Undergo a subtle physical transformation.
8. - Lose 20 lbs more - hey, I lost about 15 lbs this year, didn't I?
9. - Wear more dresses.
10. - Buy only 3 pairs of shoes and 3 bags...NO MORE.
11. - Love unconditionally.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'm making plans, baby...I'm making plans! 

crimson_midnight

It's the first day of 2009 and I can't help but feel a little excited at what it will bring. I'm the kind who looks ahead with both apprehension and excitement. I wasn't always like this. I used to dread the year ahead, from the perspective of all things gone wrong with the previous one. I'm not sure when I changed, but I'm glad I did. No one should ever live like that. Fearing the future because of the ghosts of the past.

Someone asked me to make 2008 more specific. I keep wondering if I should...maybe I ought to. I'm the one who keeps telling people to go ahead and immortalize life experiences in verse and in writing. Why should I stop just because I'm apprehensive how the world views me? The world has seen far worse beings who have crossed its forlorn path.

There's really just one thing I want to say about 2008 - I lived.

My Men: 2 boyfriends

Basheer - Iraqi. 2 years younger than I am. Persistent. One hell of a lover. Absolutely brilliant. Awesome kisser. Has the stamina of a triathlete, more than I can ever hope to match. Forever tragically traumatized because of the Iraq war. I loved him, I didn't know I did until it was a little bit too late. I loved how he couldn't sleep without holding me tight. I thought it was adorable that we couldn't get enough of me. 4 months later we split. Ultimately he became possessive and resorted to being too rough in bed. I couldn't take his baggage, and he couldn't take a normal relationship.

Ryan - Filipino. 9 years younger than I am. Very, very persistent. He had the makings of a great lover. Another awesome kisser. He reminded me a little of the softer side of the traumatized Basheer. I met him at a party in the Embassy Superclub and he pursued me long after the party was over. A couple of months of playing cat and mouse, I decided the cat might as well have his way since he was so persuasive. His passion almost matched mine, maybe add a few more surprises in his bag of tricks and I would've swooned. His own lust soaring as mine did, it was amazing. I still think fondly of him. There was a time when he got so jealous and possessive of me when I went out with friends and he caught a friend's arm around my waist while I was waiting for him. That feeling made me giddy. I do like it a little rougher than your normal girl, but not enough to leave a three-week bruise. One week is just fine. Sex does not make a lasting relationship. It was great for 5 months, so when his conversations didn't satisfy me as much as our romps do, I didn't hesitate to let go when we both lost touch.

So here I am, single again and sort of back in the dating scene. I think I've actually hit a breakthrough since I made myself a new promise when Ryan and I broke up.

There were other suitors or maybe minor incedences is what I should call them...none of them panned out, thankfully, I guess. Like Roman a Canadian 4 years younger than I am. Passionate. Romantic. Intellectual. He loves classical music and sparkling conversation. I loved both too. We're friends now, and although he wasn't a boyfriend, he was sort of someone I talked to, romantically. Our first date was when Basheer cancelled our weekend date to the beach a week after Basheer and went to have that weekend date at the beach finally. I think I was certifiable that time, I'm just glad he didn't pry too much into what happened with Basheer and I. I know when I finally severed the non-relationship, but I think it was doomed to have ended the moment he went to Vietnam. I think I lost interest in him the moment that Ryan and I started dating. To think that I just got over a man I loved for almost 4 years...who knew a girl can have this much fun?

My Adventures: 3 life-altering experiences

La Corona - I don't have a fear of heights. I usually feel apprehensive about new experiences, but I've never let it stop me from trying them. So this was a rather fun event for me, not because of the actual activity but because of a paradigm shift I experienced when we were doing all the activities. Climbing up that 80 foot pole alone, standing up on top of that moving plate and jumping off the pole to try to tap the ball was an activity. But it's also so much like life. I've lived a very cautious, calculated life so far, always having a plan and never risking anything that has the least bit chance of losing. If there was anything that pole climb taught me, you have to live everyday, taking one step higher, one rung on top of the other - never pausing to let that fear sink in, it won't be long until you'll surprise yourself - you're up 80 feet in the air, clinging onto a pole and trying to climb up. The instructor said...breathe in and out normally and the pole will stop swaying. Continue on, life will happen and the more agitated you get, the more likely it will happen in a bad way. I always thought that the hardest thing to do in succeeding is actually letting success happen. I was right, as it turns out...because I just needed to plant my feet firmly on the plate and stand up. The rest was letting go. Now, I live every single day of my life like that...never pausing for the fear to sink in, choosing paths that I normally don't take, and letting success just happen by standing firm and being myself. Living out the philosophy that change is not okay, it's great...we have to be the catalysts for change.

Realization - I love my family. I love providing for them and I have been since I started working back in the early days of college up until recently. I still support my brother's allowance for college and will continue to do so until he graduates next year. I got myself an apartment and now live apart from my family. I fell guilty sometimes, but I realize that by devoting myself 100% to providing for them, I have forgotten to fend for myself. Now, they don't need me that much anymore, and it took some time for me to finally cut the umbilical cord, but now it's done. It takes a long time for loneliness to set in, and once it finally does, all the glimmer of what a person's past fades to the comparison of that awning sadness that just envelopes your entire being.

Self-Love - I made a promise to myself after my break-up with Ryan. I promised that I would love myself better...and that meant not compromising my beliefs and the choices that I make in partners. I'm admittedly a tough cookie, I'm the eldest, the only girl and I've learned early in life to not cry when I stumble down life's rough roads. However, I'm still human, which means that no matter how much I deny affection, I need it. I give affection, don't get me wrong...my family and friends are witnesses to that. But I also need to experience affection given to me. I used to think that sex is intimacy, lust is love and wanting is the same as loving. All my past relationships were based on that. I know...it's not normal or healthy, but I thought it was okay. I promised myself that I won't subject myself to that - no matter what or how long it takes. I feel great, and when I wake up in the morning...I feel so much peace coming from inside directed towards my entire outlook in life.

My Career - 3 Kudos

Promotion - I was promoted to Operations Supervisor on May 1. It's a notch higher than my previous position and definitely called for the big guns. I think the company took a certain amount of risk in promoting me, there was a lot I needed to learn and the post demanded that I make no mistakes. Ultimately I'm glad they recognized my efforts and honored that they chose me.

AIM Training - My boss asked me if I wanted a chance to go to a training for LEAP-A. I didn't realize he was serious or that the training wasn't an ordinary one. Out of almost 3000 employees in the Philippines, Emerson was only going to pick the best 30 faces to watch. There were 3 in our group. I was one of them. The training will be conducted by the Asian Institute of Management, the best executive mba school in the South East Asian region. Although the programme will take 1.5 years to finish, and another 1.5 years as a service bond, it's worth it.  

Service Awards - I've been with the company for 5 years and in that span of that time, I've been promoted 3 times, with an average of a year in between positions. I appreciate all the help that they've given me, I know that my mindset before is so far from how I see things right now and I wouldn't have grown so much if it wasn't for the constant challenges that they provided. During that event, I introduced a very special person to the people I work with everyday - my mom. I talk on and on about them that I felt like she already knew each of my officemates or my boss by heart. I'm glad that they made her feel special.

It's been a great year. I've learned things about myself that I never knew existed. I don't know what lessons this little chapter of my life is supposed to bring, but maybe looking for the lesson in it isn't what it is supposed to be...maybe just experiencing it and knowing that in the end, I am here and still wanting more out of life IS the lesson.

May life bring us all love, life, adventure, prosperity and happiness! Cheers!

crimson_midnight

I wonder if it's too early to recount 2008 from my perspective...It's been a really eventful year and I think even more so than the others. I had one promise for myself when 2007 was about to close, and it was to make 2008 count as much as possible. For me to get out of my comfort zone and do things that I normally wouldn't do. I know I tried my best, and in certain cases, I know I did go past my own breaking point to learn. Will I even remember all of it?

1. I finally said goodbye to a man that I was in love with for 4 years.
2. I've come to accept who my brother is with peace.
3. I pushed past difficulty and my own capabilities to get promoted again.
4. I went back to school to face my own demons - studying and working without fear of failing either.
5. I fell in love with the one man I did want to keep but couldn't for the sake of my own sanity.
6. I dated left and right with guys I normally don't go for in order to get over him and get over him I did.
7. I conquered one fear - letting go of things I cannot control.
8. I finally know what I want in life.
9. I broke one addiction.
10. I watched a rock concert alone, and remained unscathed
11. I gave into the pressure - dated and been with a guy 9 years younger than I am (yes, I broke up with him due to boredom).
12. I got offered to do something illegal (twice). Denied both.
13. I turned a somewhat ex into a friend and haven't regretted the decision since.
14. I feel like I gave my parents the best gift ever.
15. I was handpicked, along with 2 others, out of 180 people for a training at AIM.
16. I'm totally loving my new baby nephew Prince.

I could be more specific, but it would be shocking. This year's been pretty great so far. I still have about 10 days before 2009.

Enough time to decide what 2009 should be for me.

crimson_midnight

 UNLUCKY IN LOVE.

Roman, I'm sorry I hurt you. Please understand.